Let Me Take A Look At That

Anonymous asked: If you had one minute and thirty seconds to address your nation and preach the gospel, what would you say?

I’m assuming I have only one minute and thirty seconds because my death is imminent, so I’m of two mind about this. And it really does depend on how confident I am that those hearing my final words will take them to heart. If I really believed in the dedication of my audience I’d probably go with “For the love of God, AVENGE ME!” But if I think I’ve only got their attention for a short while I guess I’d have to go with “Ok everybody, drink your Kool-Aid now.”

Anonymous asked: you are my new favorite blog :)

Yay! Thanks! And, uh, welcome to tumblr?… it gets better…

Anonymous asked: you know that feeling? being simply lost. well i fucking hate it. i dont seem to have a best friend, nor do i have any real friend. i walk around, searching for nothing. because i hate my life, and i hate this feeling. i know suicide isnt the answer- but i'm still contemplating whether it is.

Wow, you’re really testing my commitment to flippancy here. But this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart, so here goes…. People talk a lot about what it is to be human. For ages philosophers have wrestled with the  question of what separates us from the animals. Some people think it’s our belief in religion, some think it’s our intellect, some think it’s our use of tools. Nope. It’s suicide. I know, I know, animals commit suicide too. Ants willingly die for the sake of the colony. Not what I’m talking about here. That’s blind loyalty to the continuation of the species. I’m talking about blatantly selfish suicide in defiance of all biological instincts. I’m talking about being able to imagine a better life so vividly that you can’t live in this one. Who else does that? That is fucking amazing. And the truth is not everyone CAN do that. There are millions of people that don’t have that kind of imagination. That can’t FEEL what they think. Those people just walk through life without feeling it. Fuck them. We need more people like you. I hate that the tortured artist has been so romanticized that we overlook the tortured part. It probably wasn’t any fun being Kurt Cobain. But he did change the world. I wish he had stuck around to see how things worked out but if it meant him being just another sheep, maybe it was better. So here is the thing, I’m not going to tell you not to commit suicide. Nope. I’m going to tell you that you can do it anytime you want. That’s your ace in the hole. But you can only do it once. And there’s a lot you can do between now and then. And it CAN be fun. Life has a way of changing unexpectedly. So stick around, I’d like to see what you’re gonna do. At the very least have a kid before you go. If you’re thinking about suicide that’s a sign you’ve got a fairly impressive mind. Mix those genes into the gene pool before you flush them away. We’ve got too many sheep already.

Anonymous asked: Is thigh high ink the new tramp stamp? Lately on tumblr I have noticed a lot of girls have been getting tattoos on the front and back on their thighs. Not that I’m saying that the tattoos themselves or the people who get them are ‘trampy’, in fact mostly the opposite because most of them that I have seen have been quotes. It’s more a problem with the placement these tattoos are so high it leads the eye to, let’s just say a ‘personal area’. What do you think?

There are so many incorrect assumptions in this question that I don’t even know where to start. I have the weird feeling that you believe tumblr came before thigh tattoos. Also, why do you have such a low opinion of tramps? Do you really think tramps can’t read? And just because your eye is drawn to a girls ‘personal area’ you think THEY are doing it to YOU? Intentionally? With their tattoos? Basically what you are asking is “Are girls getting tattoos on their thighs to make me think about having sex with them?” And the answer is obviously NO. They are not. But that is why they are wearing revealing clothes. To arouse you. So be a man… Go to her. Be aggressive. Let her know you can read her signals. And remember, body language speaks much louder than feeble protests. But whatever happens, don’t blame the tattoos. You wouldn’t even know about those tattoos if she was wearing a burka. 

And you are right about one thing - Even tramps don’t get tattoos on their lower back anymore. These days that is officially the tattoo zone of the truly mentally deranged.

Anonymous asked: What's worse.. not getting everything you wished for, or getting it and finding out it's not enough?

Is this a real question? You know what… FUCK YOU. I’m feeding you to the poor.

Damn that’s a cute kid.

Anonymous asked: Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?

Would you? How about ten? A hundred? A thousand? A hundred thousand? I hope so. Because I do have a plan to end hunger in the world and it does require killing a lot of people. A lot of hungry people….

(And if that doesn’t work I’ve got a Plan B…)

Anonymous asked: I'm looking for yummy healthy snacks, any ideas? Don’t tell me to pick up carrot sticks or celery or aaaaanything veggie related though ><; Me and veggies don’t mix. Fruit too, for the most part, sadly.

You’re really tying my hands here…. Obviously you know that the healthiest snack choices ARE fruits and vegetables. But if that’s really not an option you’ll want to move up to the next rung on the food chain, still staying as close to the veggies as possible. What you need to find is a meaty little animal that eats only fruits and vegetables… and then eat it. And remember, the younger the animal the lower the risk of toxin accumulation within your snack’s liver. PetSmart™ is a great place to start. This delicious little morsel for example only cost $4.99 wholesale!

And you can gobble these like popcorn!

Anonymous asked: Does size matter?

Not as much as ugly. I mean, come on, do you really care how big his penis is?

Anonymous asked: Is it wrong to be with someone when you're not exactly in love with them, you just feel you need them in your life and you feel happier in general with them than without? Kinda just to 'kill the time before meeting the Right One'?

Absolutely not. What you are talking about is the foundation of most modern marriages! And also the reason divorce was invented. The good news is there is a 99% probability that the ‘right one’ will never come around and a 1% probability that he or she will, but will be too scrupulous to pursue someone in a relationship. Either way the odds are  good that once you settle you won’t have to worry about looking bad in front of your friends for ditching your partner for a long, long time. If ever!
Mazel Tov!

Anonymous asked: A lot of girls can't cum/squirt. is it weird that I can do it almost every time i masturbate or have sex?

Fuck yeah that’s weird! Look, let me explain weird to you… weird is just another word for unusual or out of the ordinary.  So by definition anything that’s not normal is weird. And don’t you think if it was normal to squirt during sex everyone would be doing it? You’re probably also moving around way too much. You should practice laying perfectly still. Let me put it another way, if you don’t feel like this after sex you’re abnormal:

(That’s you on the right)